Down Home Girl

Sooooo good to be back home again, where the sun shines bright and the wildflowers grow in some of the driest and most drought resistant soils in the country. Things are made tough but beautiful here in Texas, everything from the people to the flowers that grow at their feet, and I can't tell you how how happy it makes me to be a part of it all again, I've felt like a fish out of water for the past several years!
Took a quick trip out to the country a couple of days ago and these are just a few of the shots I was able to get, which in all reality don't do justice to any of it....

1. You have a chance to do anything you want in life if you play your cards right!

2. Looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend right now!

3. There is a stuffed monster on my desk.

4. Eat biscuits and gravy now and pay later.

5. It's time to think about which camera I want to get next.

6. The date for moving back to TX is still up in the air but I get more excited every time I think about it.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a couple of movies, getting some work done on the blanket I just started, a phone call from a faraway friend, tomorrow my plans include making a pot of beans and some cornbread, a visit to the book store, sleeping in and Sunday, I want to get some laundry done, maybe play get caught up on facebook and blog reading!

Here I am in bed at 8:30 on the night before my birthday, with a twisted stomach and achy throat. I was sick at this same exact time last year, I remember spending my day on the couch watching Paula Deen cook something, with butter no doubt... Paula Deen, gotta love her but dang, that girl's face is on everything these days isn't it? I hate when good things become commercial and mainstream don't you?
Anywho, things are strange this year... separation seems to be the word of the day for a lot of people that I know. One man's wife took his two children and left without a word, he can't see them until they go to court. A good friend of mine is being sued for full custody by a man who's completely gone off his rocker and decided that she no longer deserved to be not only his partner in life but his son's mother. What is going on with this world? Nothing is sacred anymore, no morals, values, compassion, empathy.... no nada. Selfishness is on the warpath I guess, but I have to believe that karma is a MUCH bigger bitch than I could ever even think of being, and we all know that says a lot! lol I have to believe that the good guy wins in the end or what's the point?
Turning 44, no real significance to that number except that I remember reading somewhere a long time ago, maybe on a fortune from a cookie or something, that four is supposed to be my lucky number. Maybe they're right because 43 totally bit the big one. I wore my big girl panties most of the time but man, it was hard sometimes when all I felt like doing was falling apart.
One of my aunt's told me that I was born during the first snow fall of the season at sometime around 5 in the morning. A time when, in any other situation, would be the most peaceful, quiet time of the day. Although, knowing me, I probably came out screaming at full lung capacity if it was any indication of future times. lol Boy, Mama didn't know what she was in for with me, I assure you, or she would have, without a doubt, begged them to take me back and trade me for a quieter version... bless her heart. I'm sorry Mom, for all of the trouble that seemed to come into this world attached to me!
Anyway, thanks for stopping by and reading, I didn't really have a point to talk about except that it's a strange birthday, and that I wanted it documented somewhere because I'm anxious to see what's going on in a year from now. Look how much has happened in just one short year since my last birthday! GEES! lol
Okay so I'll leave you with this, just because I like it and maybe you will too....

I have been such a slacker, coming home, drinking beer, letting my mind drift to places far away from where I am at the moment... I keep saying that I need to get back to me, to being myself, but me and myself, they are changing as I type this very sentence. They won't be the same in five minutes as they are right now. So I have to let these moments turn into days turn into weeks, and go with whatever they bring with them so that I can mourn this loss of a marriage and what might have been and get on with some kind of life, a better life. Because it IS for the better, regardless of how shitty it feels now or might feel tomorrow.

Divorce is an ugly thing full of emotion, one day you are superhuman and can weather any heartache, heartbreak, bent and broken mind or soul... The next you fall down on your knees and beg to have the broken and tangled branches miraculously put back on the tree that they were suddenly snapped from. That won't happen, ever, so get used to it and move on... Find a new you and yourself to dance with and laugh at, all in good fun of course. Learn from this and never lose yourself again, because this new person that you will become, will be strong enough to fly, rooted enough to grow, and you will like her, a lot. She will show you the rest of your life, all of the places you can go, things you can do, that other people told you were ridiculous or impossible. Such dream killers they were...

I don't do so much begging for fixed branches anymore, in fact whole days go by without it. I start to think that maybe I might just gather them up and make some kind of wreath out of them and place them on some unknown person's grave somewhere. Dead, twisted, mangled branches, belong in a place of death, not here at my feet where new life is slowly taking hold. I don't want to look at them, trip over them, cut my fingers or cheeks on their thorns any longer.

This new self, so elusive like a ghost for now. Sometimes I feel her touch my hair, my shoulder... other times I feel her warm breath on my face, a gentle nudge in the right direction. A whisper in my ear telling me to go on, take a chance, don't be afraid. But someday she will be so much more than just a ghost. I see her now in pictures, a hint here and there of a new smile and a new light in my eyes, she's revealing herself a little at a time, just the way it should be, the way it always is when people mourn the death of what was a life they knew for so long.. Too much too soon and she disappears forever. So I take what I can get, and I wait patiently for what she brings, a little at a time...