Slowly but surely I'm learning to breathe again, I have whole days when I don't think about what was or might have been. For those who have ever lost anything know that this is significant to the process of grieving. Whole days when I don't feel the pangs of guilt, wondering what I could have done differently or whether I gave it my all. Whole days when I don't miss my house or him. Of course I still have my moments, afterall I am still a human being, when things go exactly the opposite of everything I just said, but they are fewer and further between as I learn a different way of living, of being. In the beginning, when the reality of divorce hit me like a ton of bricks, I couldn't smile without faking it, and even then it was everything I had to pull it off for more than 5 seconds at a time, much less an hour or a day.
But now, looking in the mirror, I catch myself smiling... And I don't just mean a simple little grin, I mean really smiling, from the inside out, you know the kind I mean? The kind that you feel deep inside, that reminds you that everything's going to be okay, really okay. And not only will it be okay, it will be better than it's ever been - ever.
I'm feeling that old creative passion start to surface again. I'm in the mood to take pictures - finding beauty or whimsy in just about everything. In the mood to write again, after all, I have lots to say, even if I'm the only one who reads it! lol In the mood to read a book and listen to music and go see a show and sing out loud at the top of my lungs, just don't play a sad song, not sure if I'm exactly ready for that yet.... ;o)
Here are the things that I find the most pleasure in lately....
Birthday get togethers for little boys that turn 6!, Big beautiful blue eyes that make me melt, Flannel sheets and old tattered quilts to keep me warm on a cold winter's morning, My little netbook - it's like carrying the whole world with me no matter where I go, Sweet sentimental gifts and pretty plants that breathe life into this space that I temporarily call my home, Hobbies that calm me and help me focus on something other than myself...
What makes you happy lately?
